An Even More Modest Proposal
Dedicated to Jonathon Swift (1667-1745)
Or, How to Prevent the Children of People Who Can Do Anything with Their Bodies from Being a Burden to Such People or the Economy and for Making Them Beneficial to the General Public.
There exists such a malignant blight across the United States that despite nearly 50 years of penumbra searching through legal documents, almost half of the population desperately cling to the judicial activism that permits killing of humans, before they are legally identified as humans, despite having human anatomy and DNA, as their (I don’t believe in) God given right to do so.
It is the purpose of this essay to both reinforce and extend this policy to its obviously logical conclusion. For lack of a Legalese to English to Euphemism to English dictionary, the author will accept the synonymous identity of abortion as murder as choice. Note, astute scholars will forever debate the prefix of “pro” penultimate to the root “choice” to assuage the users of the in their vehement rhetoric against those they refer to as the “you can’t have a baby, so you just don’t understand, so you have no say in anything” pro-life. Analysis of this future debate may be read in a future majority SCOTUS position paper.
In reference to the original thesis of this essay, those humans (actual genetic species) who find themselves “homeless” or “a former womb enthusiast” combined with “aborted” or “prematurely womb evicted” must still have a financial value beyond that of the silent auction of collected body parts under the auspices of “research” (aka, paperless-trail). For to truly honor those that could have been (aka, the inconvenient ones), I propose monetizing more than the sum of their parts, both to stimulate the economy further that previous expectations and honor the temporary caregivers who “through rain, sleet, snow, or gloom of night”, almost swiftly completed their appointed rounds. To these chosen few, I dedicate the following proposals:
Aborted/Murdered/Choiced humans shall be weighed the same as another other viable protein source (standard weights and measures) and sold simultaneously as a commodity on the Chicago Board of Trade and as a future on the Chicago Board Options Exchange.
All parts are viable for puts and calls as well as short-selling in preparation for summer months when Aborted/Murdered/Choiced activities are traditionally minimized due to the onset of a competing swimwear season.
All winning bids are high bids, financed with secure funds, and deliverable upon demand. Aborted/Murdered/Choiced humans are hereby cataloged as AMCh to save space and avoid undo stress upon the squeamish in a desperate search to find a new synonym to appease unstable egos and those contemplating a “woke” status against family advice and political donor wishes.
While traditional uses of AMCh will still include stem cell research, monster-construct designs, and corrosion inhibitors for the inside of trash dumpsters, new, more exciting venues are now possible. These will include fast food restaurants, collector series, taxidermy, and trivia.
Having recently been denied the opportunity to breathe on their own, the AMCh has not been exposed to the toxins of civilization. Thus, each and every cell is as pure as newly fallen snow. The consumer of AMCh products can participate in a new healthy lifestyle unknown to the generations (and what could have been generations) before it. Imagine finding yourself in a fast food establishment with an entirely new menu consisting of French fried fetus, fetus on a stick, fetus fondue, fickle-pickle fetus, partial birth bon bons, curried fetus, ground fetus, Tennessee-Fricassee-Fetus, and flavored water fetus (now with a full day’s supply of vitamins and iron). Even the federally funded school lunch program would thrive (Sharing is Caring, Let Johnny Help You Grow Up Big and Strong, Suzie Snacks are what all the cool kids want during Trick or Treat) accordingly. This essay recognizes the entrepreneurship of the American public and the value of each and every family food dollar they can now stretch further than ever before.
Future AMCh’s can be dipped whole or in parts in heavy shellac or bronzed for preservation for all future children (allowed to live long enough to develop eyes) to see the contribution of the “halves” that share the same mitochondrial DNA but not the same family name. Remember to introduce your half-AMCh in each and every Christmas photo you send to friends and remaining family.
Taxidermy of AMCh’s can be posing in the natural habitat (a crib, finally with a purpose) or head-mounted for all to see recreating the marvel that was almost birth. Imagine the honor of being the first on your block with this trophy you can finally be proud of to claim as your own.
Finally, imagine the fusion of AMCh’s of dubious notoriety (could there be any other type?) and American’s love of game shows and trivia. Prime time programming (What Could Have Been? Maybe-Baby, and Don’t Ask What I Want to be If I Could Grow Up), video games, and You-Tube channels could compete for ratings and advertising so you could compete for fun and games.
In summation, competition drives business. Prices for AMCh’s would increase. Employment would increase. Tax revenue would increase. Americans who had never been proud of their country could now call it their own to love and to cherish.
I believe everyone involved would live happily ever after.
If they do not, the government could pass a tax, that isn’t a tax, and force them to participate, or pay another tax that increases each year until they do. It is only fair.