Re: Your Dog

Re: Your Dog 

 

Hello, 

it’s your neighbor, Clayton. 

 

I’m emailing you to let you know that your dog has a habit of barking pretty incessantly while you’re away.  I understand that he must miss you, but it’s kind of getting on my nerves.  

 

Maybe you could do something about it?  

 

Thanks!

 

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Re: Your Dog

 

Hello!  

Clayton, again.   

 

I thought I’d let you know that your dog somehow managed to climb atop the fence dividing our properties and proceeded to stare at me unflinching for, oh, probably eight hours.  He didn’t really move much—though, now that I think of it, there appeared to be a big, menacing rictus on his face at one point.  

 

Maybe you could do something?  

 

Thanks!

 

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Re: Your Dog

 

Hello.  

Your neighbor Clayton again.  

 

At around eleven o’clock this morning, your dog swallowed an entire bald-faced hornet’s nest before spitting the confused and angry inhabitants through my open window with startling accuracy.  I was stung about seventy times and, should it interest you, am allergic to bees.  The doctors say there’s a fifty-fifty chance I’ll lose my sense of smell as a result of the reaction.  

 

Please put him inside!  

 

Thanks.

 

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Re:  Your Dog

 

Hi. 

Clayton again.  

 

Remember that nasty thunderstorm today?  Well, your dog was struck by lightning and, in turn, imbued with some sort of electrical force.  He spent the majority of the afternoon levitating above your driveway, and destroyed quite a bit of my front yard with focused rays of energy that shot from his paws.   I tried to scold him, but he singed off all of my clothes with some sort of sonic bark.   

 

Please, please put him inside.  

 

Thanks.

 

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Re: Your Dog

 

Clayton again.  

 

I noticed your dog peeing in my hydrangeas, and when I tried to drive him away, he assumed the form of my dead grandfather whose passing haunts me to this day.  

 

Maybe you could put him inside from now on?  

 

Thanks!

 

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Re: Your Dog

 

Clayton, here.  

 

Thanks for putting your dog inside, but containing him no longer appears to be a viable solution.  He passed through my wall early this morning and set the room on fire with a steely gaze.  Tell me, is he neutered?   Maybe he’s lonely.  Have you thought about getting another pet to keep him company?  Let’s talk if you want to brainstorm some behavior-curbing ideas!  

 

Thanks!

Hnery Jinings is a graphic designer from New York. 

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