Viral Age Advertising!

Steve Giliberto

Has anybody noticed how commercials on TV are trying to make the best of a very strange situation?  So many of them lean toward the same track of showing how much they care and offering the old hang in there encouragement backed by regulation heart string plucking music.  (Thank goodness piano players, violinists and harp players were declared essential workers.) The only thing certain in '...these uncertain times...' is the number of times ads will tell us how uncertain they are!  But, fear not.  Chik-Fil-A has assured us they will be ready and waiting to blow a hole in our aortas in person as soon as possible.  And, post that delicious deep-fried orgy, we need to have no fears that we will be kept apart from our Cottonelle Mega Rolls any longer. 

To be fair, it can’t be easy trying to sell something to somebody who has been cooped up in their house for 8 weeks, is staring at you through Netflix auto-play glazed eyes, has a bowl of Cheetos in their lap, an orange stained remote control lying next to them and something stuck to their shirt that became unrecognizable several days before.  Unless, that is, you are Frito Lay.

We are way overdue for some new, edgy and exciting advertising.  Something more appropriate for the times.  Commercials that really embrace the moment.  Ads for products that we can really wrap our emotionally mortar shelled heads around. Here is one that could finally pop us up from the face down mode on our couches into the upright position:

Greetings fellow homebound bunker hunkerers!  Do the four walls seem closer than normal?  Are you talking to plants not just because you heard its good for them but...because you’re secretly hoping they’ll answer back?  Not to fear!  The Blammo Streaming Network is here to let you in on brand new quirky, quixotic, quarantine streaming videos that will leaving you wondering why you haven’t locked yourself in and thrown away the key sooner!

We’ve developed in our sterile filming studios housed in hermetically sealed, technologically advanced yurts spread out around beautiful, Burbank CA a whole new slate of binge-worthy programs to help turn nights into days and days into nights with ease.  Here are some of our latest self-quarantine-help episodes you can have TODAY!

  • 5 Easy Steps To Win An Argument With Yourself.  Learn proven techniques on how to fight fair when you know how to push all your own buttons.

  • Dance the blues away with our Dancing with the Household Appliance Stars series.  Bing watch all episodes and be the first in your neighborhood to know how to get down and get funky with ALL your household appliances!  Check out the latest episode:  Waltzing With A Washing Machine.  Learn how to let the machine take the lead!  

  • Introducing a new love interest to the family is always stressful, but now it has become almost impossible.  Not to worry.  A viewing of our new series, How to Introduce Your Blow- Up Doll Fiancé to the Whole Family takes the stress out having your new loved one meet your old ones.  Subscribe right away and get the newly updated How-To-With-Zoom version!

Act right away and we’ll send you an exclusive commemorative booklet written by a master of isolation, Hannibal Lector.  Be the first to know how everything in quarantine can be made better with fava beans!  Like everything else, supplies are limited!  The booklet and the beans!

For as little as $9.99 a week, you will receive access to guaranteed never before seen ways to ride out home entombment and become the envy of neighbors who’ll be asking, “Honey, come quick and look! What in the blue blazes are the people next door doing now?!’

You can physically distantly tell them how you’re staying so well adjusted in lock down!  By taking advantage of some of our newest groundbreaking releases such as:

  • Struggling with home exercise?  Not anymore with our just added episode on making exercise equipment with commonly found household items.  Check out the latest:  Gristle – Low Cost Exercise Bands!

  • Cabin fever be damned after one viewing of Laundry Origami.  Sock folding has never been this fun!

  • Not to forget our valued LGBTQ customers, we’ve pushed isolation out and put romance back in to being homebound with our How To Have Your Mirror Reflection Become The One-Night Stand Of Your Dreams!’

  • We have shows that are fun for the whole family, too!  Everybody can enjoy, “You See Four Walls, We See An Endless Tic-Tac-Toe Board!  Fill ‘em up!

  • The excitement just won’t end when you and the whole houseful of fellow detainees learn how to go, “Furniture Cushion Treasure Hunting!”  Answer the age-old questions, “What the hell is that thing, how did it get in there and did it just blink at me??”

Blast away your boredom with Blammo! Why wait?!?  Get your subscription NOW!

Steve Giliberto is an essayist, a satirist, a critical observer of all things human. Giliberto’s writing is driven by the constant absorption and regurgitation of the foibles of humanity’s intersection with politics, society and popular culture. He seeks to share with readers his glimpses of humor and drama in each of them. They all smack of real truths. His writing is delivered in tones varying from the dark discomforting realities of our times to the humor of the absurd. By day he runs a technology consulting practice. By night he publishes his observations on his blog, https://oratoria.us. He holds a Certificate in Creative Non-Fiction Writing from the University of Washington.

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