We’ll be in touch

“Thank you for coming in.”

 

“Thank you for having me.”

“Bauhaus 93 is an original font choice for a resume.”

 

“Thank you I’m glad you like it.”

“And thank you for the attached photo album. An interesting unsolicited addition. It’s clear a

lot of work went into it.”

 

“I find it’s more common in the European milieu.”

 

“Alors avant de commencer, êtes-vous à l'aise de converser en français dans un bureau au

jour le jour?”

 

“Oh I don’t speak French. I mean I understand it much more than I can speak it. I find that

part a little harder.”

 

“Well it says ‘advanced proficiency’ so perhaps it should read...”

“Intermediate?”

“Beginner?”

 

“Correct.”

“Would you say you’re more of a process-oriented or task-oriented person? You can only

choose one.”

 

“Task. No process! Process for sure. That’s a hard one.”

 

“Speaking of, one of the most difficult parts of the job is assessment and review. It says you

have ‘extensive experience in appraisal management’. Can you provide us with three

examples where you achieved successful outcomes giving feedback to multiple

stakeholders?”

 

“Pass.”

 

“You want to pass?”

 

“Yes I’ll pass on that one for sure.”

 

“Turning to other languages, it says you ‘executed a successful linguistic project in a

cross-cultural context’.”

 

“I learned Thai backpacking in Asia. It’s an extremely complicated language, actually a set of

languages.”

 

“How long did you study?”

 

“Three weeks. But that was total immersion.”

 

“I see.”

“My real job is being in a band. So I read music also. That’s a language in itself of course. So

I’m a great team player and I know how to dominate very difficult personalities.”

 

“Indeed. What is your biggest weakness?”

 

“That’s tough. People say I am just too committed to my work. I work too many hours. I

work too hard.”

 

“Strengths?”

 

“Communications. Organization. Listening skills. Successful outcomes. Sorry was that a

question?”

 

“Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?”

 

“In the exact same position, absolutely.”

“And this is the correct email that we should use? Thoughtleader_82@aol.com?”

 

“Yes. I’m still evaluating my options but this does sound like a great fit.”

 

“Really. It says you’re a ‘committed buongustaio’ at the bottom of your resume.”

 

“Yes I am.”

“Can you tell me how to make a Roman carbonara?”

 

“Eggs. And...bacon?”

“Guanciale.”

 

“I didn’t know that.”

 

“Quelle surprise.”

Ellis Scott is a new writer, and an old man. This is his first piece of short humour. He received an honours in Creative Non-Fiction l from the University of Toronto's Continuing Studies Department in the fall of 2018. His short story 'Levies' is being published this fall. He is queer and disabled.

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